Take the risk and open your heart

Let’s be honest. Walking around with your heart on your sleeves is the scariest thing you can do.  The feeling of being vulnerable sucks.  The feeling of not being in control sucks.  The feeling of your heart being rejected sucks.  You should still open up your heart.  Why? Because no matter the outcome, happiness or pain, you will have truly been alive.  Life isn’t just about being happy.  It’s about loving, getting your hearts broken, and then loving some more. That is the only way life can surprise you, that is the only way you can grow, the only way you can connect.

We close our hearts off and we forget how to connect with ourselves.  How can we expect to connect with others? How can we expect to connect with the universe? Most of us walk around with a fantasy of being swept away and be showered with love.  Who would want to sweep us away if our hearts are closed off? We have to open our hearts all the times, we don’t know who’s paying attention to us.  We can’t be selective because we can’t predict who will touch us inside just the right way or when and where it might happen.  How do we expect to find long lasting friendships or a soul-mate?

And it’s no guarantee that as soon as you open your hearts you will be swept away.  Yes your heart will go through hell, yes your heart will be toyed with by people who play games, and yes your heart will be rejected. You have to have trust that your heart can endure. Your heart will grow bigger.  And life will surprise you.  Your heart will surprise you.  You will see that you are being swept away all the time, you will feel everything tremendously.  You will have truly lived.

Most of us don’t even know what it means to really live.  We are observers of life.  We make notes on how to best live a life.  We use our head to analyze and we trust only what we can understand.  But our heads are too stupid to understand what the heart feels, what living means.  So we lose the magic of life.  We lose that fire for life.  And we die without ever using our notes on how to best live a life.

When you open your hearts, you open yourself to new experiences each day.  You don’t know whether today will be a good day or a bad day.  Your life becomes a roller coaster of a ride.  Your life will become out of control.  This is where the mind comes in.

You can find a way to harmonize your mind and your heart in a way that one is not controlling the other.  Rather they have to become one via focus, dedication and a thirst for life.  Sometimes you have to lead with your heart and sometimes you have to lead with your mind.  There is no right way, I would say take the risk and follow your heart’s desire. Have people in your life who will stop you from doing something stupid, because the heart doesn’t know if what it wants is stupid.  Your heart wants what the heart wants.  Trust that it will all work out.

What your heart wants isn’t always what you expect. Sometimes your heart wants to be happy, sometimes your heart wants to be sad, sometimes your heart wants something dull.  There is nothing wrong with any of it.  Allow yourself to feel intensely whatever your heart wants you to feel.  Others may see you as happy or sad or dull.  They may not like you at that moment, they may not like you forever. You may not like that they don’t like you.  But as long as you follow your heart’s desire, you will be loved by the right people (friends, family, fans), and you will be loved by you.  This will give you the ability to love even those who don’t love you.  Be the one who sweeps them away.  Thereby giving them all the reasons to love you.  Because love conquers all.

Why do we play games (when communicating)?

We come to this world alone, crying and kicking. And we are never prepared for all the love and fear that we are going to experience in life.  We can live each day only once, whether it be filled with love or full of fears or just plain dull.  We can live each day only once, and we don’t always know what kind of day it will be.

As we grow up, we start to fear the worst.  We live each day anticipating for when something goes wrong, and we continuously prepare ourselves for when the worst actually happens.  Most of the times, the worse really doesn’t happen, but that doesn’t mean we stop expecting the worst.  And at times, we have the loveliest of days when we are least expecting.  We feel free for that moment, we forget about the rest of the life, past or future, except the present.  We live in the moment when we have the most beautiful time of our lives.  And as soon as we start thinking again, we fear the worst.

We have our hearts broken, we have our dreams shattered, and we carry those scars with us all the time.  And those scars make us feel ugly inside.  We feel pain when we think about those scars. When we have to face our scars, we feel ourselves going to the dark and gloomy place inside of us.  Though we can’t let these scars heal, because, in a way, these scars make us who we are, give us that reason to do what we do.  We keep the pain going, just so that we know we can still feel.

But we don’t like pain.  Not really.  We don’t like to share our pain, because we don’t want to paint a dreary picture of our lives to someone else.  So, we keep the pain to ourselves.  We think about it, we yearn to share it but we can’t.  And so we create a shield around our pain, to keep it from coming out at the worst possible moment in our life.  We bury it behind that shield and we never let that shield weaken.  We busy ourselves to keep that shield strong.  We run after money, career, all the materialistic things hoping that somehow these “things” will keep the shield from weakening.  We fear for our shield.

And one day, we just become our shield.  We don’t let us feel pain again, and this can lead us to not feel anything ever again.  And we forget how to connect.  So, we play games with others, hoping that we may find that little connection that we so desperately long for.  But desperation reeks of desperation, and it’s not very attractive.  So we rely on playing games more and more.

We want to connect, but we forget how to.  We don’t want our hearts broken again, we don’t want our dreams shattered again.  So, we just keep our heart and dreams to ourselves.  And play games to see if someone will accept us for what we are and maybe we can accept them for what they are. It could be a romantic interest or a friend or a group of people; all we want is acceptance from them.  And maybe, maybe, we get accepted and we don’t have to share our pain with anyone and life can become cheery again.  We can live with our heavy heart.

But we expect the worst at the best possible time.  So, we keep our shield up.  We continue playing our games.  We forget how to love, we forget how to be grateful, we forget how to live.  All we do is hope, but we are such a chicken shit of a species that we fear even to hope.  We play games out of fear, out of necessity.  We see no way out of this hole until we sleep in it forever.

To that cheery end, I say this to you. I will always love you for what you are on the inside, for what you are on the outside, for what you think of yourself and for what I think of you.  My head doesn’t dictate who I should love.  I will laugh with you in your happiness and I will cry with you in your pain.  I may not get to see you, I may not know you personally but I know that I love you.  And most importantly, thank you for letting me love you.

Seven days – A story of my emotional transformation

This is my story of how I stopped being an observer of life and started to actually live, how I stopped identifying myself with my intellect, and how I finally connected to my emotions. I hope that my story can inspire you to live, and your story can inspire others to do the same.

This transformation occurred in a matter of seven days, though I have been working towards it for quite a while. As an actor, it is our bread and butter to be able to access our emotions. As a computer programmer, emotions have no part in it. Hence, transitioning myself from a programmer to an actor was especially challenging. I persisted and I finally managed to access my emotions. It was beautiful.

A little overview of the few months before the seven days.

I have been studying acting under Earl Nanhu at EVN studios since September 2015. And the one feedback that I get is, “you are too heady, you need to connect more.” I did not understand what it meant.

Three months before day 1:

I had quit my job, and over the next 3 months, I focused solely on being able to lead from my heart. Like any intellectual person, I began by observing others engaging in their so-called “lives.” Then I started reading about “love” and “romance” as that seemed like the best approach to learn how to lead from the heart. 2 months of diligent research and I was nowhere close to understanding what all of that fairy tale mumbo jumbo about love is.

I began reading “Fault in our stars”, and I was waiting for that moment that I would feel something. And I waited and waited and the book was done. I gave up any hopes of accessing my emotions. I am never gonna make it as a good actor.

One day I watched 2 romantic Bollywood movies back to back, and halfway through the second movie, I felt something powerful and I cried for the rest of the movie. I felt free, liberated and hope began to seep in. I began to like things that I previously didn’t. Something good was happening though only on a few occasions and out of my control. I needed a sure fire way to access my emotions on demand. I even enlisted the help of my sensei Adam Sutherland to access my aggression, in hopes that may be that will light a fire within me. It was difficult. Though I persisted. I kept at it, like my life depended on it; it actually did depend on it. I spared no excuses or told no lies to myself. And then it happened.

Day 1: December 15th, the evening of the Christmas Party at EVN Acting Studio.

My friend and I were driving to the party, and she got a message from her friend that her boyfriend of 2 years broke up with her. Her friend felt like that boy was the one, and that breakup was devastating for her. I felt a strong emotional response, but I quickly regained my calm and thought to myself that everyone goes through a breakup and that she was going to just fine. I even gave my usual response to my friend based on my acute intellectual observations. But I could not shake off that breakup completely.

We reached the party, and I had a few more emotions popping up, but as usual, I was able to get over it; or so I thought. Usually, I don’t talk to people unless they approach me. That day, someone else took over me and I started talking to a lot of people and then others started talking to me. My behaviour was confusing to me. I had no idea what was going on. Even when asked an intellectual question, my usual smart answers felt empty and alien.

I happen to ask a veteran actor about how does he access his emotions on demand, and all he responded was by saying that do what you love all the time. It was the first moment that I “felt” that answer rather than try to analyze it.

The whole night I was not myself, even though I maintained my usual calm disposition like I have done it for years.

On our return home, I was informed that a couple of 8 years broke up and I knew what they meant to each other. That breakup hit me the hardest. I did not have a single witty response to that, except that I will be fine after some sleep. Notice the “I” will be fine, rather than “they” will be fine (though I didn’t notice it myself then).

Day 2: December 16th, the heartbreak

I woke up with a really heavy heart. I thought that I had screwed up with someone and I tried to make it up. But that wasn’t enough. I felt really sad, and at one point I gave into the sadness. That’s when I heard myself say all that a person says when they go through a breakup. I had a broken heart. I lost my appetite and I could no longer think myself out of the pain. I was devastated. But the pain was mine, the feelings were mine and I did not want to lose touch with my emotions. So I spent my Sunday wallowing.

Day 3: December 17th, the first aha moment

I called my friend Dennis, and talked about all that happened in the last two days. And we realized a lot about ourselves by analyzing what I went through. The most important realization being that I had created a wall of intellect to block away “pain”. I realized that I was weak though I had convinced myself that I was strong and stable because of my intellect. I could analyze the triggers that cause me pain and I actively avoided myself getting involved where there was a potential to be hurt. I was a chicken shit. I never dealt with my pain, not truly. I felt horrible and relieved. I had created a wall of intellect to push away the pain. My Monday brought my first aha moment.

Day 4: December 18th, the day it all changed.

My morning routine was as usual; woke up, got ready and left for work. I felt a bit lighter than usual, but still had no idea of how to access my emotions on demand. I kept on thinking about it. Then five minutes after I left work, I began to feel a surge of painful emotions. I cried for my entire 25 minutes drive to work. All the hurt and suffering that I had pushed away began to resurface. It was truly and absolutely liberating. I felt alive, I was present in those moments, as if I time travelled. How I managed to drive to work is a mystery. When I reached work, I could not understand my own work that I did the previous day.

I called Dennis and asked if I can go over to his place. He said to come after noon. That comforted me a bit, and I was able to focus on my work. But I did not like that I lost touch with my emotional self. I was becoming “heady”, as Earl puts it. I left work soon, and was trying to force myself to connect with my emotions; it’s as if my head is ordering my heart to make me feel something, anything. I realized that it can’t work like that. So I gave up.

Immediately, while waiting at a traffic stop, I looked over on the side. There was a nice open farm, with rolls of hay, a beautiful house in the distance and the Sun brightly shining from behind the white clouds. Its a scenery to die for, to paint. In fact, every time I allow myself to be present there, more and more colours get added to that scenery. I was dumbstruck at that sight. A few tears rolled down my eyes. And that’s when I remembered Earl saying you have to allow yourself to feel tremendously. And boy did I feel. I started crying like I have never cried. I felt a fire of life being lit within me. And the first memory that came to me was the Party on Saturday. I remembered my friends smiling and laughing and enjoying. I felt happy for the first time in my life. I realized that the confusing feeling I had at the party was me being happy, and I was confused about it because my intellect could not understand what being happy meant. The next moment, I felt immense gratitude to my friends. That was the first time I truly felt grateful from the bottom of my heart. This made me cry even harder while driving. All the happy memories came pouring back up, it was as if I was present at those moments. I was there during all those moments, and I was just happy. And I was even more grateful to everyone in my life. That’s when I remembered Earl saying that you have to learn to be truly grateful to access your emotions. I had finally learned how to access my emotions whenever I needed to.

I made it Dennis’s place, and we talked about it. And realized that my wall of intellect that was meant to keep myself away from pain also kept myself away from every other emotions. My wall of intellect started to crumble down. I never wanted to be heady ever again because I finally started to live, every moment as it came. I started to sense when I spoke from the bottom of the heart or when I am just spouting words in order to seem smart. This is also what I felt at the party when I was trying an intellectual question in my usual intellectual answer. Those words were empty, they had no weight to them, I wasn’t speaking from the bottom of my heart. I decided then that I will never speak if I don’t feel like it is coming from the bottom of my heart; a decision that is a work in progress.

I shared this with another good friend that evening, and I finally regained my appetite that I lost on Sunday. I ate happily. I slept happily.

Day 5: December 19th, the fire within.

I was glad that I finally connected with myself but it took a lot of energy out of me to stay connected. I wanted to give in to the predictable comfort of being heady. After work, I was driving to my class with Adam, and was thinking about aggression. And it occurred to me, that I do not like unpredictability. I never took a risk without carefully thinking about it. I would not go talk to a girl I fancied without knowing a few sentences in advance, I would not talk to anyone without knowing that they will receive my message exactly how I want them to receive, I would not leave my house without knowing exactly where I am going. I needed to KNOW something first, even though I was good at improvising if something different happens. But I HAD TO KNOW BEFORE I ACT. And that is why I never took a risk in my life, and that is why I never channeled my aggression thinking that a situation always becomes unpredictable and uncontrollable if acted out of aggression, or acted out of any emotion for that matter.

I used my intellect to douse any kind of fire because I was afraid. I realized I was even a chickener chicken shit than I realized two days ago. And this understanding freed me. I understood what it meant when Adam says, “you have people who love you, care for you and need you, you have yo stay alive for them. If someone points a knife at you, they gotta die.” That night, I was told that I was performing my techniques with authority. That night, I took risks and my fire for life was re-ignited.

Day 6: December 20th, the first day of the rest of my life.

I was happy, I said the biggest good mornings to everyone that I walked by at work. I was able to effortlessly stay connected with my emotional self. I was living my life, rather than just observing life. I realized that all this time I was trying to find the best way to live a life by observing others live their life and that I will start living my life when I know what’s the best way to live a life. That was too “heady”, and disconnected from life. So, I never knew what it meant to live.

That evening while driving home, for the first time I told myself that I cannot identify myself with my intellect, and I love me. I loved me, and I loved everyone. There was no egomaniacal intent behind those words, even though my head tried to convince me that there was. I felt that my heart became lighter just by saying “I love me” from my heart. I could differentiate my heart voice and my head voice from then on. I could differentiate other’s head voice and heart voice.

I also realized that the head can only understand the triggers for emotion, it can never understand emotions itself. It can only see the top of an iceberg. And that I cannot force myself to feel emotional, I just have to allow myself to be emotional.

That day was the first day for the rest of my life and I committed to it fully.  I slept peacefully that night.

Day 7: December 21st, the risk.

It’s started out like all was normal, the new normal. And that night I took my first risk. I went to a friend’s debut album party, without knowing a single person. I chickened out after about 2 hours, but I took that first risk. It was a win.

Day 8: December 22nd, bonus day

I was at the dentist getting my teeth cleaned. And I shared a lot of my experiences with my dental hygienist. But when I was asked a question of why do any of these holidays or days like Valentine’s day matter, I knew the answer. As people, and especially as a guy, we push aside our emotions all the times. These holidays give us an excuse to embrace our emotions without judging ourselves and express ourselves truly, whether it be happy or sad. That’s what Christmas Spirit is all about, that’s what the special day spirit is all about.

If you know you are smart, don’t be afraid to be the smartest person in any room

Note: This post is for everyone, but it is especially significant for people who are smart and feel alienated; hence the choice of words.

This post is for those people who have to dumb themselves in order to have, at the very least, a “not a drag” conversation with others.  This post is for the people who feel like they are born in the wrong era.  This post is for the people who are always told that they are dramatically over analytical or are over thinking it; to the point where they themselves start to question themselves. This post is for someone who, as soon as they start talking and before getting to the juicy part, notice that the listener is dozing off.  This post is for those who cannot say something remotely intelligent without someone trying to add their own (for a lack of better word) stupid hypothesis in order to prove their point and thereby missing the point of the entire conversation.  This is for those who constantly feel at a loss to say anything even though their head is a nonstop train of thoughts and ideas to explore and share. Am I sane?  Is there a point to all this thinking? I am totally dumbfounded by the sheer ignorance of the people around me and yet I am jealous of that fact. Why can I not be an ignorant idiot, stay stupid and one day roll over and just die, and that would be that.  Why do I feel so alien surrounded by my kind?  I really just want to give up on everything, run away from everything, but I have no idea where to run away to.  I am stuck and I have no way out.   Actually, I feel stupid all the time because I am aware that I don’t know enough, and will never have the capacity to know enough because I have the limitations of being a human.  But that doesn’t mean I am going to stop exploring and learning.  I have no idea what is the point of this all, but it gives my existence some juice.

You know if this is you.  You are lost and confused and have no fire for life; maybe a last whimper of a fire but not the same fire that you can remember; if you can remember that fire at all. This is for you.

Don’t be afraid.  Accept that you are different.  You are not insane, you are just better. Not in the ego-maniacal way better but that you have thought a lot about a lot of things that most people around you haven’t a clue about.  You can clearly see that they aren’t even aware of such a thought process.  You are just a curious being, more so than most others around you.

Now the real reason why I urge you to not stoop to their level.

I have been dumbing down for quite some time and just last weekend I realized that I failed to connect with a smart and intellectual person on a much much deeper level.  I have been dumbing down for so long that dumbing down has become my default way of speaking.  Most of the times I just don’t speak, and if I do speak I am constantly looking for signs when the listener is dozing off.  I am also looking for signs that the other person is about to interject their own hypothesis, a hypothesis that is as silly as their face.  Yep, I said it, you can see stupid on their face.  And I think stupid has also crept on my face because I have stooped my levels.  It has affected my being.

So, when I met someone who is smart and intellectual, I was surprised that she wasn’t dozing off or interrupting me and I felt dumbfounded at this curiosity.  I became unprepared for an intelligent and stimulating debate.  I behaved stupider than what I am. This isn’t the first time this has happened.  As my friend Dennis mentioned, we are catering to “them” rather than cater to ourselves.  It was about them. We know that if you want to hold someone else’s attention the longest, the best approach is to make the conversation about them.  So, I became unprepared to make it about “us sharing and exploring our curiosity”.

The real negative impact is that I stopped listening to people completely as they present themselves.  Instead, I was waiting for their stupid to come out.  I stopped connecting with people.  I see them as a stupid meatbag rather than someone who I can learn from and connect with regardless of their intellectual and intelligence level. And hence I felt like an alien among my own kind.  “They” weren’t the problem, I was my own problem.

There is a smart saying floating around that if you are the smartest person in the room you are in the wrong room.  I realized that that saying is so extremely small and a cheap shot at people who are less deserving of our ire and more deserving of connecting.  I alienated myself from others.

So, I insist that if you are the smartest person in the room, BE THE SMARTEST FUCKING PERSON IN THE ROOM, AND BE THE MOST CURIOUS PERSON IN THE ROOM SO YOU CAN REALLY SPEAK YOUR MIND, LISTEN AND CONNECT.

You belong everywhere and everywhen.  You are needed as much you need others.  Don’t compare the ability of a fish to climb a tree with the ability of a monkey to climb that same tree.  You say you have a lot to learn; well, find a way to learn from other people because their experiences are different than yours.  I have friends who look up to me to provide mentorship and guidance, and in return, I get to learn from their experiences.  They start to grow their intelligence because I compel them to think and act smarter.  On the flip side, people who don’t understand you won’t come near you.

If speaking like a smartypants feels like bragging to you, accept that feeling; and explore it. I have met some of the most intellectual and intelligent people when I wasn’t trying to hide my true self from them. I spoke my mind. They are my friends now. And I am so very grateful for the continuous impact all of my friends have on my life.

Your beliefs are your lies glorified

If I were to ask you, why do you do what you do, after some “philosophical” discussion, it will boil down you saying, you do what you do because you believe in this and this.  You have crafted your life, your personality and your attitude based on a certain set of beliefs that you have acquired over time.  Some beliefs have been instilled in you since your childhood, some beliefs have changed over time and some you have claimed anew as you age. The key word here is “claimed”. You constantly hear yourself and others say I believe in so and so, hence we have to do so and so.

The foundation of any society is also a set of beliefs. A society exists only if the individuals believe that we ARE in this together, that we ARE co-operating with each other, and that we ARE here for each other.  These sentiments are why society hasn’t succumbed to chaos and anarchy.  To prevent total anarchy, society has formed a set of behavioural guidelines and has created institutions that punish those who get caught when they don’t abide by these guidelines.  Over time, these guidelines become LAW, and punishment is used to maintain ORDER.  And then propaganda brainwashes you to believe that no one is above the law.  You are taught this propaganda from your childhood, from your parents & environment, and from your school.

Once these beliefs take a root in individuals, other forms of beliefs start taking shape with these initial beliefs as the foundation.  Religions, borders, governments, money, organizations, corporations, etc. etc. are other such forms of systemic beliefs.  Even the idea of a family is a limiting belief.  What is a limiting belief? A belief that closes you off intellectually and spiritually towards all else that doesn’t fit your belief.  The systemic beliefs are limiting beliefs.  There was a time when we the human species believed that the earth is flat (some still do), or that the earth was at the centre of the universe, or that lightning is created by an all powerful deity such as Zeus or Indra.

Over time, we just accept these beliefs as a part of life.  You manufacture all sorts of justification to sustain  and to uphold these beliefs.  These justifications range from downright stupid to arrogantly stupid; stupid nonetheless. This is how beliefs become you.  And everything that you experienced, gets filtered and judged based on your beliefs.  You mark your experience with your own version of grading system, and arrive at a conclusion of “this is good” or “this is bad” or anything in between and beyond.  This is how you become your beliefs.

On to the topic at hand.  If the sun is shining outside, you don’t need to believe that the sun is shining outside. No matter how much you believe that the sun is not shining outside, the sun will continue to shine outside until it doesn’t.  And the fact that it doesn’t shine later on, doesn’t give any credence that your beliefs are powerful.  It’s nothing but wishful thinking.  If something is true, it doesn’t require your belief to be true.  The only reason you need a belief is to sustain a lie, sustain an idea, and because it is convenient.

The thing about lies and ideas is that, there are exponential quantities of them as there are people.  If there were no people, there will be no beliefs.  You can justify that it’s because of these so called beliefs that we as a species have thrived, and achieved such human-made wonders.  You are correct, though only “half of the full story” correct.  The same beliefs are why we are caged, and you know you are caged.

Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety. – Ben Franklin

Now lets talk about the part why you believe in whatever it is you believe.  It is because it’s convenient.  If you are going to be challenged on your beliefs, your arguments are construed as an opposing belief.  If you are going to use Science to back up your beliefs, then you are using your flimsy understanding of Science to justify your stupid beliefs.  You don’t know Science. If you are going to use Religion to back up your beliefs, then you don’t know Religion.  The point is, you don’t know SHIT.  And rather than accepting that you don’t know the full context of anything, you mask it with a stance of belief.  Reality is that in our current state of minds we are not capable to know it all.  Heck, we don’t even understand reality.

If a question gets answered, that answer leads to more questions.  This cycle of questions and answers is never ending.  And it can lead to depression.  I have been there, and so have others.

If thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee. – Nietzshe

And it often becomes difficult to come back out of that depression with your sanity intact.  In fact, you need to realize that what we call sanity in today’s society is sheer stupidity.  That realization is the only way we can come back out of that abyss.  And that abyss can fill your existence with anger, frustration and hate towards yourself and all around you.  You might even loathe your own existence and long for the blissful ignorance of others.  Oh I wish I was stupid, but you can’t, you simply can’t go back.  The only way is forward, and I found my way through growing myself as person.

So, how do I grow myself? Keith Johnstone, an improviser and teacher, wrote in his book “Impro – Improvisation and the Theatre” the following.

At about the age of nine I decided never to believe any- thing because it was convenient. I began reversing every statement to see if the opposite was also true. This is so much a habit with me that I hardly notice I’m doing it any more. As soon as you put a ‘not’ into an assertion, a whole range of other possibilities opens out-especially in drama, where everything is supposition anyway.

Start by challenging your beliefs; each and every belief.  Don’t stop at an answer that you like, go further.  You will realize that you simply do not have the intellect to know everything.  We are stupid to know everything.  Rather, you will know that you don’t know enough.  The only reason you will stop at an answer is convenience and arrogance; neither of which are prudent or sensible.  You will find that beliefs are built upon other beliefs.  And all beliefs are instilled in you by someone else.  You can analyze how their beliefs got them to where they are, and how your beliefs got you where you are; accept the good, the bad and the ugly.  Accepting whatever it is and however it is key to this whole journey, and for that you have to be brutally honest with yourself.  Only when you accept it, you can find a way out of it.

I turned to Science to find answers, but even Science has it’s limit.  So, I had to expand myself and my efforts in search for answers.  I ended up in Acting and Spirituality.  I found that where intellect has holes, spirituality can fill those holes.   My answers become possibilities rather than absolutes.  And this has freed me from crafting my cage, also known as my personality; it has enabled to constantly evolve me and hence never “stale” enough to be categorized in a specific personality type.  Yes, you will automatically judge me for when and if you meet me, and that is a snapshot of what I am in that moment.  You are the sum total of all that you have been so far, and you are just catching me at a particular junction of an ongoing journey.

You can follow your own similar journey, or find sources of intelligence that are not strictly intellectual. Your understanding of the universe and your role will bring on a new level of depth in your life. Your attitude will change from rigid to free flowing.  Your cage will start to crumble, you will become more than just your intellect and body.  You will attain a better sense of clarity.  You can see how all is connected, not just know intellectually, but see it and live it.  You can bring all your past experience and see how all that you have experienced versus that you have yet to experience as all leading up to someplace.

So, where does this all lead to? To you dying after truly living, rather than dying trying to live.