Why do we play games (when communicating)?

We come to this world alone, crying and kicking. And we are never prepared for all the love and fear that we are going to experience in life.  We can live each day only once, whether it be filled with love or full of fears or just plain dull.  We can live each day only once, and we don’t always know what kind of day it will be.

As we grow up, we start to fear the worst.  We live each day anticipating for when something goes wrong, and we continuously prepare ourselves for when the worst actually happens.  Most of the times, the worse really doesn’t happen, but that doesn’t mean we stop expecting the worst.  And at times, we have the loveliest of days when we are least expecting.  We feel free for that moment, we forget about the rest of the life, past or future, except the present.  We live in the moment when we have the most beautiful time of our lives.  And as soon as we start thinking again, we fear the worst.

We have our hearts broken, we have our dreams shattered, and we carry those scars with us all the time.  And those scars make us feel ugly inside.  We feel pain when we think about those scars. When we have to face our scars, we feel ourselves going to the dark and gloomy place inside of us.  Though we can’t let these scars heal, because, in a way, these scars make us who we are, give us that reason to do what we do.  We keep the pain going, just so that we know we can still feel.

But we don’t like pain.  Not really.  We don’t like to share our pain, because we don’t want to paint a dreary picture of our lives to someone else.  So, we keep the pain to ourselves.  We think about it, we yearn to share it but we can’t.  And so we create a shield around our pain, to keep it from coming out at the worst possible moment in our life.  We bury it behind that shield and we never let that shield weaken.  We busy ourselves to keep that shield strong.  We run after money, career, all the materialistic things hoping that somehow these “things” will keep the shield from weakening.  We fear for our shield.

And one day, we just become our shield.  We don’t let us feel pain again, and this can lead us to not feel anything ever again.  And we forget how to connect.  So, we play games with others, hoping that we may find that little connection that we so desperately long for.  But desperation reeks of desperation, and it’s not very attractive.  So we rely on playing games more and more.

We want to connect, but we forget how to.  We don’t want our hearts broken again, we don’t want our dreams shattered again.  So, we just keep our heart and dreams to ourselves.  And play games to see if someone will accept us for what we are and maybe we can accept them for what they are. It could be a romantic interest or a friend or a group of people; all we want is acceptance from them.  And maybe, maybe, we get accepted and we don’t have to share our pain with anyone and life can become cheery again.  We can live with our heavy heart.

But we expect the worst at the best possible time.  So, we keep our shield up.  We continue playing our games.  We forget how to love, we forget how to be grateful, we forget how to live.  All we do is hope, but we are such a chicken shit of a species that we fear even to hope.  We play games out of fear, out of necessity.  We see no way out of this hole until we sleep in it forever.

To that cheery end, I say this to you. I will always love you for what you are on the inside, for what you are on the outside, for what you think of yourself and for what I think of you.  My head doesn’t dictate who I should love.  I will laugh with you in your happiness and I will cry with you in your pain.  I may not get to see you, I may not know you personally but I know that I love you.  And most importantly, thank you for letting me love you.